


light 'em up

by faith_girl222 (faithgirl)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Future Fic, Getting Back Together, Kid Fic, M/M, Multi, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Break Up, Retirement, Threesome, Unofficial Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 08:44:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4740119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithgirl/pseuds/faith_girl222
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm break my heart too."</p>
            </blockquote>





	light 'em up

**Author's Note:**

> follows from this timestamp http://hatfulofcrazy.tumblr.com/post/119168923922/read-in-the-dark-timestamp-2, and the original story http://hatfulofcrazy.tumblr.com/tagged/read-in-the-dark. thank you to hat for permission to play in her sandbox, and to everyone who gave me feedback while this fic was in progress on my DW. 
> 
> written over the course of may and june 2015.
> 
> beta by pinetreekate and kalakirya.

Part 1: Alex POV

Sasha isn't stupid. He has a PhD, he has a Stanely Cup, he managed to marry Sidney Crosby. Sasha had always thought Zhenya was biding his time, because Zhenya can be very very stupid. Sasha couldn't believe it when he didn't even get a "if you hurt him I'll come for you" talk from Zhenya when he started dating Sid, but it wasn't long before Sasha figured out it was because Zhenya may be stupid sometimes, but he tries not to be a hypocrite. Sid didn't really talk about it, but Sasha had known about Zhenya's feelings since they were 19, and spending that much time with Sid had made it obvious they weren't one-sided.

Sasha isn't stupid, but it took him a long time to figure out what had happened, because neither Sid nor Zhenya would talk about it, and their teammates were equally as silent (or clueless), no matter how thoroughly Sasha applied vodka to them. Not even after the second time the Penguins won the Cup and Sasha was worried Sid was going to leave him for Zhenya because of the look on Sid's face when they hoisted the Cup together. Not even when the Caps finally won the Cup and Sasha got very drunk with a bunch of Pens during the endless days of celebratory parties and tried to make Beau tell him something, anything, that would answer Sasha's question and maybe give him some peace of mind.

He had sort of had vague plans to ask Sid to marry him, but Sid got there first, and that made Sasha think he was probably safe from being left whenever Sid and Geno figured out what being Sid and Geno meant. After their first child, he was more sure that Sid wasn't going anywhere, but time was ultimately more of an answer than anything second hand a teammate could have told him. The longer he was with Sid, and the longer he watched Zhenya fail time and again to get it together - with women he knew Zhenya really and truly loved - the more obvious it became to Sasha that Zhenya was really incredibly bad at this, and Zhenya wasn't good at being bad at things. When Sasha started dating Sid, it was clear that Sid needed someone who could figure out how to commit a hundred and ten percent, because Sid didn't really know how to do anything else and he wanted an equal partner, and meeting Sid halfway meant showing up with your own 110% not 55% or less and some excuses about not being good at it.

So Sasha is not actually that surprised when he comes home from the liquor store and Zhenya is in his backyard crying while Annushka hugs him. Maybe he'll admit to being surprised it's finally happening, but not that it is happening. Maybe also he would have thought Zhenya would be having this conversation with an adult, but Sasha isn't stupid and sometimes Zhenya kind of is.

Sasha manages not to interrupt them - his little girl is clearly mature enough to be left in charge of babysitting Zhenya - and makes his way into the house. Sid is in the kitchen with Misha, who is just winding down from one of his epic fussiness spells (no one would ever suggest he isn't Sid's).

He kisses Sid on the cheek as he reaches into the freezer to put the vodka away, and thinking this is the right preamble to a major relationship negotiation, abruptly says, "You know Zhenya still in love with you, yes?"

From the look on Sid's face he probably didn't, and he definitely didn't know that _Sasha_ knew anything about any of it. His face is quickly going from pale to greenish, so Sasha quickly adds: "Didn't mean to make surprise! Not mad, just think maybe we should actually talk about, since Anna is drying grown man's tears in our yard."

"What," and Sid can't seem to decide if that's a question or the start of a statement, but his eyes have gone toward the door to the yard. Clearly this is a more delicate operation than Sasha planned for; over a decade of keeping his silence isn't as numbing as Sasha would have expected.

"Zhenya one of my oldest friends, Sid. He been in love with you almost whole time I know him. Evgeni Malkin: tall, good at hockey, loves Sidney Crosby. Part of who he is. Thought you knew he'd be different person if that change."

"But he --" Sasha isn't sure he actually wants the nitty gritty details, especially not before this is all hashed out and stabilized again, so he interrupts.

"-- is giant stupid idiot sometimes, Sid." He tries to look Sid in the eyes, wants to be sure that Sid gets where Sasha is trying to go with this, but his gaze has turned inward and he isn't really seeing Sasha.

"How could he love me, be in love with me," Sid takes a deep breath and Sasha realizes something he could never have guessed: Sid didn't just not know Zhenya was _still_ in love with him, he didn't know Zhenya was ever in love with him. "He never -"

"There are two reasons he still single: you and why he not with you. I say again: Zhenya is giant stupid idiot sometimes."

"Why are you calling Uncle Zhenya mean names?" Anna asks from the doorway, where she has her arms wrapped around one of Zhenya's hands. Zhenya has a horrified look of dawning comprehension on his face, which is still visibly blotchy.

Because Sid is the kind of parent who won't yell or even edge past chirping territory into fighting in front of their kids, he puts on what Sasha thinks of as the Sidney Crosby Media Smile: Daddy Edition and says, "We were just talking about how sometimes grown ups make bad decisions -" Sasha really wishes Sid was turned so he could tell if he was giving Zhenya a significant look "- but you're right Annushka, Papa shouldn't call anyone those names, especially not members of our family."

Anna looks mostly satisfied with this answer, but she hasn't let go of Zhenya either. Zhenya somehow looks worse though, which is interesting. But Sasha can read the play, and the conversation is on pause while Anna is in the room, so he says, "Zhenya!" like he's only just spotted him, "Come Anna, let's show Uncle Zhenya your new goalie pads," and nearly shoves Zhenya out of the room with Anna still hanging off him.

Sasha feels confident that he can make Zhenya both see reason and be made to stick it out despite his abhorrence of failing now that he seems to be past the point where he won't talk about it at all - Sasha has gotten Zhenya drunk enough on enough different occasions to be very sure Zhenya couldn't ever be _made_ to talk about it - but if Sid had this little information for this long ... well Sasha knows how to work hard and be creative until he gets to his goal. The first step is the easiest, because this has always been easy for Sasha.

"Hey," he says, and gathers Sid and Misha into his arms. Sid is silent and Misha is asleep, but this is as a good a reminder to himself as to Sid what the bedrock, bottom line here is. "I think we talk, figure out. But I think I'm not go anywhere, no matter what happen, you know this, yes?" Sid is kind of hunched, half of him pressed into Sasha and half curving over Misha, who is getting so big, but he can feel that side of Sid lose some of its tension.

"I know," Sid says, and he sounds better too, like he's back on territory he can navigate. "You sure know how to start a relationship conversation, Alex. No, 'oh hey I was thinking' or 'do you wanna change things up' --"

"Not really a change though Sid," and Sasha really needs him to understand his view of this, to get why he isn't scared, or jealous, or angry. "Whatever happened? That you won't tell me - that you don't have to tell me - Zhenya always a piece of you, always a piece of us. He my friend long time Sid, want him to be happy too. Doesn't have to be scary, can make easier than without me. We on the same team, everyone be happy, everyone win."

"Look," and Sid has that stubborn set to his jaw that Sasha knows can be dangerous. "Let's say - let's just say that I agree that we should talk about this. And don't think I don't see what you're trying to do, Mr Other Captain - what if he doesn't want to talk, huh smart guy? Did you think of that?"

"No, Sid," Sasha rolls his eyes, "I wait thirteen years to bring up because I think not different, still hopeless, Zhenya punch me for mentioning." Sid huffs against his shoulder, and resettles Misha. "I know you think I funny." Sasha nudges him just slightly; Misha is still small enough - and definitely fussy enough - that waking him can be a penalty punished with sleeping on the couch.

Sid's face twists, his crooked smile peeking out for a second, but he seems contemplative, looking down at Misha's sleeping face. "I guess we should probably go rescue Geno. You did just kick him out of the room with two thirds of our babies."

"Can leave him longer, he need to get used to." Sid gives him a hard look. "Zhenya is big boy, even when giant stupid idiot, and Anna already learning to babysit." Sid looks horrified. "Not babysit babies, Sid! Babysit Zhenya!"

Sid laughs a bit, but not his giggle, and it ends in a sigh. "Anyway, not done talking to you," Sasha says into Sid's hair; he doesn't hear it often, but he hates that sigh. Sid makes a face at him.

"I still ..." Sid starts, screwing up his face more, and this conversation is definitely more painful than Sasha had prepared for. Maybe they're all going to need some of that vodka. "... if what you're saying is true, I can't believe this is where things would be, now. Not that we wouldn't be together, necessarily, but Geno ..."

"Geno," Sasha says, "can't make romance last with anyone. That not about you. Can't be so special you magically fix without knowing is problem."

"Does Geno know that?"

"Zhenya figure out it smarter to talk about loving you than not, can't ask him to figure out everything himself, Sid."

"So, we just tell him what? Everything is ok?"

"No, because it not okay, not for anyone. We tell ... that he doesn't have to figure out how make last just him, we both know, we both do already."

Sid looks less less pinched after this, but he says, glancing at the clock, "I want to put this on hold until after we eat? But that seems like an impossible thing to ask Geno to do, to sit down with us with this unresolved. Which I'm not convinced isn't your fault, by the way."

"I swear, I come home, sad penguin in yard crying on Anna, I did nothing. And yes, Captain Canada, we not wait to finish talk until after the food just to be polite to ... someone. Is more rude to food, not enjoy we eat before. Is rude to ... Geno." Sasha tilted Sid's face up, and continued, "Rude to you too. Wait long time, think can fix, why wait more?"

Sid doesn't look completely convinced about that last part, but he nods and Sasha has completed step two (get Sid's consent to go forward) without really thinking about it. "I'm get Zhenya, rescue from babies."

"No," Sid says, suddenly resolute, "I'll go." He carefully shifts Misha into Sasha's arms. "He won't ... he won't be ready to talk to you."

Sid laughs to himself as he leaves the room, and Sasha can hear him saying to himself, "Probably not ready to talk to me either."

Part 2: Sid POV

When Geno stole himself from Russia to play for the NHL, which is how Sidney has always thought of what he did, Sid felt that it was important. Even before Geno arrived on Mario's doorstep, it felt like this was going to change things, make them how they were meant to be. It was hard not to overwhelmed with how great he was - great on the ice, in the locker room, and game to go out to dinner with Sid and try to muddle through conversation while he barely had any English.

Hanging out was easy, playing hockey together was easy, falling in love was easy. Being in love though, that was harder. Or well, realizing that's what it was, that was difficult. Realizing led to decisions like being "too busy" to come to Geno's housewarming and then never visiting, even in a group. Realizing led to years of feeling cast aside every time Geno got back together with Oksana. Realizing made him feel ill with longing when Geno wore the Russia K for him. Realizing made him feel way too much empathy for Nealer. But realizing had never made him stop coming back, not until Geno sent him away for the last time. A part of Sid is sure if he hadn't ended up with Alex, it wouldn't have been the last time Sid sent Geno away; Sid still can't entirely imagine having given up on the possibility of him and Geno, otherwise.

Eventually, Sid discovers he can still build a family, that he could be brokenhearted and still love someone else. That he can play shoulder to shoulder with Geno, can crash into him for cellies and sit next to him at press conferences and keep it together, that no one else is going to see how he still feels, least of all Geno. That he can still go home to Alex at the end of the day, that he can be more than okay, that he can be happy. The hardest is when they win the Cup again, when Sid feels all the reasons, all the love and happiness and pride, that had made him reach out the first time overlaid with the joy and adrenaline of finally, finally managing it again.

Sid is not expecting to one day talk about any of this, not with Alex and certainly not with Geno. He hasn't believed in years that Geno even thinks about it anymore. But sometimes Geno has a great capacity to change things, to make them how they're meant to be.

\---

When Sid gets upstairs, he's a little alarmed by how quiet it is. No screaming baby, no running commentary from Anna, not even the sound of Geno's voice.

He finds them in the nursery, Anna sacked out face first on the daybed with her goalie pads half under her. Taylor wasn't really interested yet when she was that age, but Sid can't help but see her influence there.

Geno is in the rocking chair, Pasha still tucked under his chin. Sid can hardly remember what it felt like not to be in love with Geno, and to be first unsure of what Geno's feelings were and then very very sure they were not returned. To be only sure of Geno on the ice was exhausting, and there was no more ice for either of them now.

Standing in the doorway of the nursery in the home he shares with Alex, watching Geno rub a big hand up and down Pasha's back, it's incredibly hard not to want to listen to Alex's assertions, not to want what Alex seems so sure of; not to want everything.

Geno looks exactly the same, and when he looks up at Sid the only thing different is how miserable his eyes are, like he's lost every final game. "Sid," and Sid is startled hear how croaky he sounds, how he somehow looks more miserable with every passing second. "Can't do, be like family."

Sid feels himself going cold, how is he having to do this twice, how was Alex so completely off the mark. He hears a rushing in his ears and tries hard to listen past it to what Geno is saying, desperate for any of this to make sense.

"Annushka say like family, you say am member of family ... but I not, not real family, you not even know I ... Can't pretend, Sid, and not have ... sometimes worse only to have little bit."

He tries to think clearly, to hold together all the pieces from today and from years before, to try to find the reason in Geno's words. If Geno is really in love with him, was really in love with him ...

And because Sid doesn't know how to leave an unhappy Geno without comfort, he finds himself drifting over to the chair until his hand is in Geno's hair. Geno takes a wet, shuddering breath and presses his face into Sid's stomach. Something weird happens in Sid's chest, like one thing is losing its tension while something else abruptly picks up all the slack. He forces a deep breath and his hand involuntarily tightens on Geno's scalp.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," he's suddenly saying and wow, his own voice sound wrecked too. He can feel Geno shaking his head, making sad noises he hasn't heard in years.

Before Geno can speak, Sid decides to take a leaf out of his husband's book and says, "So Alex says he thinks," because no matter how sure he seemed Sid is not ready to chalk it up to more than his opinion, "that you're in love with me. Is that ..."

"Yes," Geno seems to tell his liver. But Sid needs more that; he's tired of not really knowing, of never being completely _sure_.

"Then? Or now?"

Geno finally pulls away enough to look at him. "I'm love you, Sid. Every day, since I'm decide to come to America."

The part of him that can believe this is happening, that it isn't just some wondrous dream where he gets everything he's wanted since he was 18, is suddenly overwhelmingly angry. Like a little pilot light of anger has been quietly burning and Geno's word have turned the switch. "Then why? How ..." and maybe this is what will be the sticking point, the thing neither of them will be able to get past, "How could you do that to me?"

"Not mean to break your heart, Sid. Not, not believe is possible. Not think ..." And Sid feels sick and stupid. They were both so goddamn stupid, it's almost beyond belief (and nearly 20 years in the NHL has made Sid acquainted with a lot of stupidity). They understood each other so well on the ice, and off the ice there were few people whose lives were more similar (and Sid had married one of the few who could make that claim), but apparently leaving it all to unspoken understandings is not actually the right way to have a healthy adult relationship (Alex is going to laugh so much later, Sid is already sure). It's all starting to make a terrible kind of sense, idiotically tragic and pathetically understandable. "I'm break my heart too."

"Fuck," Sid says aloud, because what else is there to say.

"Cannot believe Sasha right," Geno mumbles, his face hidden in Sid's side again.

"Ugh, he's never going to let us live this down." Sid's anger is becoming diffuse and hard to grasp, but he kind of wishes he could yell at their younger selves. Their capacity to be similarly dumb is going to be dangerous; thank god Alex isn't going to leave them alone in this.

"Wait, how much of our conversation did you overhear?"

Geno looks a bit shamefaced, but in the way where he'll still be poking at someone behind the referee's back. "Only little. You say you not know, Sasha say I stupid. But we both stupid, Sasha just not want to say own husband stupid too."

That startles a laugh out of Sid. It's easy to forget sometimes that Alex and Geno know each other equally well, probably at least as well as he knows either of them. "He wanted to come up and talk to you first, probably deliver an entire speech about you being dumb."

"Glad you not let, Alex speeches terrible." Sid hums in agreement and realizes he's still just standing there with his hand in Geno's hair and they aren't stupid kids anymore.

Sid bites his lip, but if ever there was a day for laying absolutely all his cards on table - past, present and future - it's probably today, and says, "I'll always want to see you. I've always wanted to see you. Even when -- even when it really hurt."

Before he can add more, before Geno has a chance to respond, the baby monitor crackles and Alex's voice comes through. "I'm turn down to not eavesdrop on tragic conversation, but need check no one dead? Still should cook dinner? Not call ambulance, or agent, or Mario?"

"No one dead, no one bleeding. Annushka maybe love new goalie pads too much, need extra chair at dinner," Geno says, and Sid really isn't sure how he's supposed to cope with any of this.

"Good to hear, Zhenya, maybe you and Sidney come help cook, leave Annushka to cuddle pads?"

And well, the kids are going to need eat soon, and this conversation has already progressed well beyond where Sidney could have imagined, even minutes ago when he was climbing the stairs and dreading how things might go. Sid takes Pasha off Geno's shoulder and settles him in the crib.

"Yes, Alex we're coming." And even Geno laughs when Alex responds, "I hope that not what Zhenya say, you are in nursery!"

The first thing Sid does when they get downstairs is rub his hands all over Alex's face, because he couldn't very well do it through the baby monitor, and a terrible joke deserves an equally terrible punishment. Because Sidney is actually still kind of a responsible adult, he gives Misha to Geno first, and a good thing too, because Alex gets handsy.

"Sid! Sid! Is not bad joke! Just request, don't do in nursery!" and Alex is giggling and trying to get him in a headlock, and everything just feels less tense, with Geno looking on speculatively, like he can't decide who to take in a bet.

"Geno," Sid whines when Alex finally manages a good grip, "I'm your captain, you have to take my side!"

"Oh, this how it gonna be Sid, 2-on-1?" And Alex waggles his eyebrows so suggestively that Sidney literally falls out of his hold he's laughing so hard.

"Just lie on floor, Sid? Leave Russia househusbands to do all cooking?" Geno is standing over him, smirking, and Misha is awake and peering down at him, and the next thing Sid knows there's a small toddler on his chest and Alex and Geno are standing in the open fridge door exchanging a torrent of Russia too fast for Sid to follow.

"I guess it's just you and me, buddy." Misha doesn't look very impressed, but he isn't trying to toddle off either.

If dinner preparation is weirdly relaxed, even lighthearted, dinner itself is weirdly tense. Anna seems to have spend her nap processing her conversation with Geno, and it's all she wants to talk about at the table. Bridging the two parts is incredibly difficult - Sid is hardly any more eager than Geno to tell her that it was her daddy who he had "treated badly" but pretending like Geno wasn't talking about him seems more ethically and linguistically impossible.

Eventually Geno's intermittent pleading gaze gets to Sid. "When Uncle Geno and I were young, we had a misunderstanding, and hurt each other's feelings." A part of Sid cannot believe this is about to turn into a teachable moment, but whatever they figure out amongst themselves going forward, he wants how things stand to be clear to her. "Uncle Geno is always part of our family, but Daddy and Uncle Geno needed to talk, to use our words and to apologize for hurting each other's feelings." Sid realizes neither of them really did apologize, or use a lot of words, but white lies are an important part of parenting. 

Part 3: Geno POV

Zhenya has never been a good loser, has never been able to accept when he isn't good at something. Sidney, he learns, expresses his competitiveness by striving to master most things he finds he isn't good at, and through sheer will and unwavering effort becomes, at least, not-terrible at them. Zhenya tends to abandon anything he finds difficult, like painting, in favour of more successful pursuits, things he definitely isn't terrible at, like hockey. But whatever Zhenya sees himself as good at, he will put everything into; anything he doesn't, tends to get left behind, or pawned off onto someone else (his mom got him some really good marks in school).

Zhenya knows he wants to play with Sid as soon as he sees the results of the lottery, and knows he has to play with him when he skates on the ice at the Olympics for the first time. It isn't just courage that pushes him through the door of a bathroom in a Helsinki airport. His covert flight from Russian authority is a blur to him as it's happening, and does not grown more distinct with time. He knows there were days of stress, spent in LA, waiting to see how things are shaking out. He knows he gives an interview, because he sees it later. The main thing that stands out then, and that he remembers almost two decades later, is seeing Sid standing on Mario's threshold.

If playing with Sid is amazing, spending time with him as a teammate and friend is something else. Zhenya isn't generally lacking in self-confidence or short on ego, but there's a world of difference between _best_ and _loved by Sidney Crosby_. And it's hard, impossible, to believe the latter could ever be true. The more he knows Sid, the more he loves him, the more impossible the idea grows.

Being successful at being with someone isn't the same as being successful at being in a relationship, at making a commitment to something bigger than hockey, Zhenya eventually discovers. Oksana always wants to be in Russia, especially when she's in Pittsburgh, so it's easy to overlook his part in their off-periods. And Sid is always there, first as a friend who'll take him out for a drink to drown his sorrows, and then as someone who'll welcome him back into his bed. Knowing what he wants and distinguishing it what he can have is something else Zhenya isn't very good at.

In the crush of the final round of the playoffs, in the summer that follows, it's easy to fall into bed with Sid. On some level every day, from the final game to the start of training camp, is about hockey in a way the off-season has never been before. It's so easy to take exactly what Sid offers him and not ask for more. So easy to let it fall away when he's in Russia, knowing that Sid has other things, things he won't give Zhenya. And it's easy to start again in the new season. It's somehow even easy at the Olympics, even when Zhenya can't bring himself to make first contact afterwards. Even during the worst parts of their season-ending injuries, the parts Zhenya gets are easy to have.

The last time he breaks up with Oksana, a part of him hopes this will somehow be it - Sid is finally back after a year, after the lockout, after a short season and a broken jaw, and Zhenya's future is tied to Pittsburgh for the rest of his career. Looking back, Zhenya can see that hockey and Sid are intwined for him, enough that one should be able to be able to stand in for the other, that his contract extension should somehow make clear what he was offering to _Sid_. But it isn't, Sid doesn't take one declaration for the other, and that hurts. That somehow, at the time, makes Sid's position seem as clear to him as Zhenya's position was unclear to Sid.

And how can Zhenya keep letting this go on? He can't pretend he isn't in love with Sid, and he can't bear to watch Sid not being in love with him, to have only enough parts to let him fool himself. It's been years, and Zhenya wants something he can be sure of, someone whose feelings he can rely on. Telling Sid that he can't anymore, that he can't pretend for him, is awful, feels like exposing too much of himself. But like with everything else, Sid accepts it, and continues to support him first through the aftermath of the Olympics and then through organizational upheavals and a local press that wants to diminish the one area Zhenya has no trouble expressing his commitment, and even somehow supports him through tournament losses meted out at Sid's own hand.

When they're finally in reach of the second Cup, it's hard again to keep his feelings to himself, to not want whatever Sid might offer him. Losing Anna in the wake of that is hard, but a summer after a Cup win is an easy time to pretend it isn't.

Watching Sid with Sasha is painful, watching Sid being sure, being married, having children. There isn't a moment Zhenya witnesses that isn't something he feels covetous of, even as that sense of sureness seems alien, from both sides - to be the one who has it, or to be the one who can offer it. Zhenya has never been good at accepting his own failings, Sid has never been good at leaving his own undefeated, but Sasha is smart enough for both of them.

\---

After dinner it's bathtime and storytime and bedtime, and it's a weird holding pattern a lot like cooking dinner, but where Zhenya feels compelled to make himself useful without also being obtrusive. But Sasha seems especially determined not to let him, not so much asking him to do things as just shoving babies or bath toys or clothes into his hands until between the three of them there are three clean kids in clean pyjamas who are mostly resigned to going to sleep.

Sid is quickly commandeered by Misha, who has a lot of opinions about how to correctly be put to bed, Sasha ends with Pasha asleep on his shoulder before he gets him into the crib, and Zhenya finds himself pressed into service for a bedtime story, Annushka putting a book into his hands and making eyes at him. She already knows he's a sucker, and he isn't ready to think about how maybe he's going to have to learn to be less of one.

"Uncle Zhenya," she says, pushing him onto her bed, "This one is my favourite, and you need to do the voices please." They get settled and he tries to figure out how goofy the voices can be before she complains, but in the end she falls asleep on his shoulder before he's gotten half way through the book and only a third of the way through the silliest voices he's thought of.

Sasha comes to help shift Anna into the bed, and it's weird again. "Sasha," he starts, but Sasha just rolls his eyes extravagantly at Zhenya as he takes his hand and tugs him out of the room and across the hall.

Into the master bedroom. Where Sid is waiting with his hands awkwardly shoved into the pockets of his PJ pants, his chest bare and vulnerable in the dim light. Sasha rolls his eyes again and closes the bedroom door behind Zhenya.

"Sid, no one is about to force you to take a selfie." Sasha leans over and kisses him, and Zhenya has to fight the urge to look away.

"Whatever, Alex, some of us aren't as sanguine about having fraught relationship conversations," but Sid is rolling his eyes too.

As Sasha is moving back toward him, Zhenya wonders fleetingly if he should be concerned about everyone straining their eye muscles, but then Sasha is kissing him. Firmly at first, and then more softly. His tongue darts out, and Zhenya feels a bit more scandalized than turned on, Sid is right there, but he opens his mouth on a gasp and Sasha takes advantage of the opportunity. He feels pretty thoroughly kissed by the time Sasha pulls away.

"Just to make sure we're all on same page," Sasha says. "I'm not in corner sending sad texts to Nicky asking why he still in Sweden while you pretend to sneak around."

"He is coming back soon though, right?" Sid asks.

"Too many relationships in one room right now, Sid. Let's deal with Zhenya, can talk about later."

"Fine, you giant hypocrite," but Sid is standing up as he says it, and kissing Sasha on the cheek. Zhenya is feeling distinctly like an intruder, despite Sasha's assurances. While it's good to be sure Sasha in on board, Sid's comfort and opinion are more important, and he hasn't touched Zhenya yet.

But then Sid is looking right at him, even as he says, "Alex, go get the vodka." Zhenya barely notices Sasha going back out the door, because Sid is pinning him to the wall next to it, first with his eyes and then with his body. His arms go around Sid's shoulders, like they have so many previous times, his lips finding the edge of Sid's cheekbone.

At first it's hard to stay moored in time - Sid feels exactly the same in his arms, broad and warm, not careful about using his superior strength against Zhenya's height and reach. His eyes are closed, his breath deep, and Zhenya takes a moment to press his lips to all the precious planes of Sid's face. His breath catches, and it could almost be 2009 - but then his knee hurts, and Sasha shuffles back into the room, and he feels keenly grounded in the present, in their master bedroom, in their farmhouse, in the middle of their marriage.

As though Sid can sense he's spiralling a bit under the force of all those suddenly crossed boundaries, he presses impossibly closer, mumbling against Zhenya's neck, "Alex, you should pour Geno some vodka."

They all end up on the (frankly gargantuan) bed with glasses of vodka, Sid tucked in the middle. It's warm and companionable, and Zhenya is reminded of the many hotel beds he's sat on with each of them over the years, but never together. Never in a bed that belonged to them. He feels the discomfort, the out-of-placeness rise up again, and drinks more of his vodka.

A warm hand lands on his shoulder, curving around the base of his neck, and Sasha is looking over at him like he still thinks Zhenya is the stupidest person he's ever met.

"So stupid, Zhenya." And he's starting to feel kind of annoyed, Sasha is supposed to be making this easier, but before he has a chance to voice the thought that, no one could blame him for being uncomfortable with Sasha's ugly face there, Sid is carefully reaching over him to put down his glass, and then just as carefully kicking Sasha in the shin.

"C'mon, Alex, don't be like that. You aren't the one who gets to be mad, and he's here isn't he?" And with that, Sid aggressively tucks himself against Zhenya's side, with a self-satisfied hum. Sasha makes a face and Zhenya realizes that Sid has slid the leg he'd been kicking Sasha with up between his thighs, using the better angle and the leverage from pressing against Zhenya. Zhenya puts his own glass down, nearly missing the side table.

Sasha's eyes are glittering. He throws back what remains of his vodka, his throat working obscenely and his lips shiny before he too puts it aside. Keeping Sid's legs trapped between his own, he knee walks over the small space separating them, and plasters himself over Sid, pressing him into Zhenya and forcing him to twist to avoid being crushed under nearly 400 combined pounds of ex-hockey player.

"Why still wearing pants, Sid," Sasha growls.

"Maybe because you're a barbarian who threw himself on me before removing them," Sid suggests, squirming under him.

"I'm barbarian," Sasha exclaims. "Who leave wet towels all over floor every morning, hhm?" While they bicker, Sid twists toward Zhenya, and Sasha manages to slide his pants down, only to let out a whine and drop his head against Sid's back. "Why you wearing boxers under PJs? Try to kill me?"

"Do you know how much laundry we create? Pardon me for being civilized." Sid is trying to sound grumpy, but he's smothering his honking giggle in Zhenya's shoulder. "We should help Geno, he has way more clothes on anyway." And Sid is scrabbling at Zhenya's belt, looking about as annoyed with it as Zhenya feels.

"You such lightweight, Sid. I'm help." Sid glares at him, but let's him have access to unclasp the belt.

"It's not my fault I have no time to drink or, or special Russian drinking genes." But there isn't any heat in it, he's too busy pushing down Zhenya's jeans and pulling his cock out, with Sasha's chin hooked over his shoulder with a funny smirk on his face.

"Leave to you Zhenya, both grower and shower." Sid looks like he wants to laugh, but he's seen Zhenya's dick before and is distracted by leaning over to put his mouth on it. "So impatient Sid, can't even wait to get Zhenya's clothes off." Sasha swats him on the ass, but all it makes Sid do is moan around Zhenya's cock, his throat fluttering, so he's hardly complaining.

Sasha reaches around Sid's shoulder and wraps his hand around the base. Sid slides down again, his lips stretching, and Sasha runs his fingers over them, along Sid's jaw. Zhenya has to look away, close his eyes. He feels Sid pull away, and opens his eyes to see Sasha pulling him back, holding his chin, turning to kiss Sid's mouth that had just been on Zhenya's cock.

He makes a strangled noise, and manages to grind out: "Not need plan future, you both kill right now."

Sid's eyes are totally blown as Sasha pulls back, but he looks thoughtful. "Sasha, take off your clothes," he says, not looking away from Zhenya, his voice already kind of wrecked. He pushes his hands under Zhenya's shirt and gets it over his head before he leans in to kiss him. Shirt gone, he grabs at Sid's shoulders to allow him enough stability to kick his pants off. Behind Sid's shoulder, Sasha resettles on the bed, and his face is suddenly very close to Zhenya's.

He studies Sasha's face for a moment, and then kisses him, bullying his way in. When he feels he's at least matched the earlier kiss, he chirps in Russia, "I'm glad Sid made you fix that tooth." Sasha bumps him with his knee in retaliation, but Sid is between them and ends up with Sasha's still impressively thick thigh shoved between his legs. Sid moans, high in the back of his throat, and it's exactly the sound Zhenya remembers, so he has to kiss him again. The force of it pushes Sid back against Sasha's chest before Sid surges forward against Zhenya's mouth.

His hand trails down Sid's back, finding enough space that he isn't quite brushing Sasha's chest. He stretches a little further as he reaches the flare of Sid's ass, and he can feel Sasha's cock against the back of his hand. He pushes down the back of Sid's boxers, over the swell of his ass (sometimes Zhenya is amazed Sid doesn't need to get his underwear custom made too), until they're straining over Sid's cock but there's enough room at the back for Sasha to slip his fingers between Sid's cheeks.

Sid pushes his face in Zhenya's neck as Sasha gets out the lube, tugging Sid's boxers down further, as far as his cock will let them. Sid's hand clenches on his hip, and his lips pressing into the underside of Zhenya's jaw. He can just see Sasha working his fingers in, and he can definitely feel Sid's cock twitching against his stomach, his own cock pressed against the wet fabric of Sid's boxers.

Sid is moaning and biting by the time Sasha seems satisfied. He takes ahold of himself, spreading a healthy amount of lube around and spilling some because his hands aren't steady. He meets Zhenya's gaze for a moment, and then Zhenya is watching as Sasha slides in on one smooth, continuous stroke. Sid is rocking back onto Sasha, and Sasha is pushing him forward with every thrust, his thigh between Sid's again. Every thrust pushes Sid against Zhenya's cock, and he finds himself trying to find something to hold onto - Sid's shoulder, Sasha's hip, but finally he places his hand on Sid's lower back, just above the swell of his ass.

It's so tempting to look at how Sasha disappears into Sid, and before he realizes he's made a decision, Zhenya is reaching down, skimming his fingers over Sasha's cock and touching Sid's rim where he's stretched around it.

"Geno," Sid whimpers at the same time Sasha hisses a string of curses, his head dropping onto the pillow above Sid's head. Sid kisses his way up Zhenya's chin, and then is moaning into his mouth as he rubs more firmly, feeling his way between Sid's rim and Sasha's cock, tugging.

He's dizzy with the concreteness, the inescapability of their togetherness surrounding him. Sid flutters against his finger, rolling his hips into Zhenya, and then Sasha's the one kissing Zhenya, a firm grip on his hip pulling them closer together and trapping Zhenya's hand between them, trapping him with them.

Zhenya comes first, somehow, and he's unprepared, his cock pulsing against against Sid's hip, his mind whiting out and his ears ringing. He thinks he's saying something, but Sid is kissing the words out his mouth. As he comes back to himself he feels Sasha thrusting erratically, pressing Sid hard against him. Sasha comes with a shout, his face pushed into Sid's sweaty curls, so Zhenya presses his fingers deeper as he pulls out. Sid comes on three of his fingers, Sasha still panting against his hair. 

\---

Zhenya wakes up warm, with Sid's head pressing against his side. "Mmm, Geno," he murmurs. Zhenya takes a moment to get his bearings - Sasha on the other side of the bed, snoring softly and hiding partly under a pillow; weak light spilling in the window; no sounds (yet) of screaming babies.

"Sid," and Zhenya can't help but say it a little wonderingly, his fingers trailing along Sid's shoulder, his bicep, into the dip of his waist.

His eyes blink open, luminous and happy. "Hey," and it's still amazing how someone already so beautiful can have their face transformed by a smile. Sid levers himself up, suspending himself over Zhenya with arms that are still ridiculous even this many years into retirement, leaning down to kiss him. He bites at Sid's smile, pulls him closer, smoothing his hands down the planes of his back, the bunching muscles of his shoulders. 

When his hand trails to Sid's ass, he's reminded of last night, of the fact that Sid went to sleep without going to wash up. Zhenya tentatively presses between his cheeks, touching Sid's rim like he had last night, feeling where Sasha had fucked him, feeling Sasha's come still inside when he dips his thumb in. Sid licks into his mouth, moaning.

"Is okay? Sasha right there."

"You don't even know how many times I've woken up to him and Nicky fucking on other side of the bed."

"Yeah?" Zhenya asks between kisses. "That what we gonna do? We fucking?"

"Please," Sid whispers against his mouth, and brings his own hand down between them, deftly stroking behind Zhenya's balls.

"Yes," and Zhenya doesn't want to be too emphatic, or too loud, but probably both ships have sailed, between Sid pressing more firmly around his hole and Sasha grumbling and hiding more thoroughly under his pillow. He suddenly aches, wants Sid inside him so much he can barely think straight. He's almost fully hard, and Sid hasn't even touched his cock.

"Where did the lube go?" Sid growls, groping around in the sheets with his spare hand, his other still pressing circles around Zhenya's hole, teasing just like he always used to, like he remembers exactly what Zhenya likes.

Sasha's hand suddenly darts out, pushing the lube into Sid's hand. "Sssssh more sleep no screaming." And he hunches further under his pillow, the duvet almost disappearing him as he shrugs deeper into it. Zhenya realizes he'd forgotten Sasha was even worse in the morning than him; probably this was why they had made good roommates at so many tournaments.

"Don't think we can promise either of those things, Alex," but Sid says it softly, mostly to Zhenya's hip. He can't help but stare down at Sid's bowed head, can't help the way his heart seems to seize up and everything greys out at the edges of his vision for a moment. Zhenya carefully cards his fingers through Sid's hair, the curls a little longer than they usually were.

Zhenya feels Sid drizzle the lube over his balls and down his crack. It's warm; Sasha must have been sleeping on top of it. Everything is taking on a hazy and dreamlike quality: his cock somehow hardening more against the press of Sid's lips; the burn of Sid's fingers stretching him open sending electric tingles through all his extremities; and through all this he can just hear the soft sounds of Sasha's snores from under the duvet, over the sounds of his own harsh breaths.

He feels unanchored, overwhelmed, so Zhenya tugs at Sid's hair, drawing him up to where he can kiss him, touch his face. Sid's fingers gentle, and he settles his weight against Zhenya's chest. "Hey, it's okay. We can stop, we can talk before we do anything else." 

"Not sure talk make feel more real. Still seems ..." It's been a long time since he felt such a struggle for the right English words, but Sid waits him out. "Feel like dream, too lucky, too good. Hard to remember I was wrong, that you feel same."

He kind of hates himself for the how sad that makes Sid look, but Sid just presses their foreheads together. "It's on both of us, Geno. We both fucked that up, we both have to remember it was different than we experienced it."

"Not good at this, Sid. Not just with you, with anyone." Saying it out loud is actually worse. Like maybe he can get to the point where he believes he can really have this, that they can really have this, but who's to say he won't just fuck everything up after that?

"I know, G. I know, but I want to do this anyway." Zhenya sometimes forget how brave Sid is. "Maybe that's stupid, maybe I'll get my heart broken again, but well, Sasha seems pretty convinced we can make this work." Sid drops his voice even lower, and adds, "Don't tell Alex, his head is already big enough, but he's usually right about that kind of thing."

"Very big head," he whispers back. And maybe that is the way to look at this. Sasha is even more stubborn than the two of them, and if Zhenya can trust anyone to just refuse to let him fuck up, it's probably Sasha. 

Sid brushes his nose against Zhenya's, kissing him sweetly. "I love you," he says, and Zhenya pulls him into a tight hug. 

"I'm love you, love you best," which is both the truth and a promise, because there's no way to cut it to say he managed to love Sid like he deserves before. And now Sid will have Sasha too, loving him best, and Zhenya has never known anyone more deserving of having multiple people committing to trying to do that. 

He tries to kiss Sid just as sweetly.

Eventually, the kiss turns deeper and hotter, and without breaking it, Sid manhandles Zhenya until he's on top, and Sid's back is braced against the headboard. 

"Lazy," Zhenya chides.

"Nope, there are no Neals in this bedroom," Sid says and then completely derails Zhenya's really witty and totally biting comeback by suddenly fucking three fingers back into him.

Zhenya isn't really sure how to classify the noise he makes, but it's loud enough to set Sasha grumbling again. "If babies wake up I'm not go deal with," or at least he think that's what Sasha threatens; it's hard to tell between the muffling of the bed clothes and way Sid is pressing on Zhenya's prostate so perfectly. The way he's moving his fingers makes them feel bigger than they are, like he's everywhere at once, filling Zhenya up. Sid is fucking into his ass, hard and fast;, Zhenya thinks it's almost like Sid isn't going to wait until he's actually -- and that thought is what sets him off, clenching around Sid's fingers, come splattering over Sid's chest. Zhenya is distantly impressed with the degree of force; when he collapses onto Sid and mouths at him for a kiss, there's come on Sid's chin.

When he's recovered enough, he reaches behind himself for Sid's cock, it's so wet with precome it's slippery. "Condom?" Sid fumbles in the side table drawer and tears open the packet for Zhenya, who slides it on. He doesn't see the point in adding more lube, Sid must have gotten half the contents of the bottle into his ass earlier.

It's an easy slide, between the prep and the orgasm, and Sid's face goes slack as Zhenya settles his ass against Sid's lap. It's been a while, but it comes back easily, and it's definitely more fun than riding a bike. This position doesn't have quite the leverage he'd like - not everyone can have Sid's lower body strength - so he uses Sid's shoulders - not everyone can have his upper body strength either.

"So rude, make me do all work, with my knee." His voice isn't as steady on that chirp as he would like for it to be, but Sid's moans probably cover that up.

"Wanna be able to look at you, sue me," Sid pants between moans. He runs a hand down Zhenya's chest, and he shivers, watching Sid watch him. 

"Sue pants off you," Zhenya says nonsensically, feeling full up twice over - once with Sid's cock, and again with how much Sid wants him. There's no way he's going to get hard again this soon, not anymore, but his body _wants to_ , every thrust making his cock twitch.

"What, would that make me a stay-at-home-husband, n-naked in the kitchen?"

"Not hygienic, Sid." Zhenya really can't focus enough to keep up all this talking. And Sid's mouth is right there, begging to be kissed. It's plush and swollen against his lips, and Sid is quick to get his tongue into his mouth, a hand in Zhenya's hair. 

Something squirms against his chest, and he realizes Sasha has snaked his hand between their chests and it tweaking Sid's nipple. His chest arches and his hips buck under Zhenya, his hand scrabbling at Zhenya's hip.

"Hurry up, so noisy," Sasha says, pinching Sid's nipple again. He pushes Zhenya back a few inches and slaps Sid's chest, sending Sid over the edge. He curls inward, bucking his hips, his sweaty face pressing to Zhenya's neck as his cock pulses.

Zhenya wishes he could feel wet heat spreading through him, that some of Sid's come would drip out as Zhenya's hips spasm against Sid. Sasha's hand is sandwiched between them when Zhenya tips forward, coming hard and dry, thinking about a future where Sid could do that, would do that. Sasha pulls his hand out and pats Zhenya vaguely on the head before leaving it there, warm and heavy, weirdly possessive under the circumstances.

\---

They all kind of nap for a while, but eventually they all really need to wash up, and babies really need feeding. Sasha laughs and says they're all just lucky Anna didn't come clambering into the bed to wake them up.

Something in his chest feels weird as Zhenya takes his turn, scrubbing down in the master bedroom's ensuite bathroom. Standing at the counter after, the chaotic sounds of Sid and Sasha trying to get together breakfast for three children is an audible hum. It's hard to believe he's standing here at all, getting to listen to this. 

Sid had pressed a toothbrush and some spare clothes into his hands on his way out of the room. He brushes his teeth carefully, listening to Annushka's voice carrying upstairs; she apparently has a lot of plans now that she knows Uncle Zhenya is still here. Tea, hockey, and nail painting seem to be the highlights, and he doesn't know what to do with how big the feeling in his chest is, thinking that he might get to have all of this every day.

At first, Zhenya is confused about why the spare clothes fit so well through the shoulders and aren't baggy in the ass. Looking into the mirror, it's abruptly obvious these are actually his own t-shirt and sweats, that Sid has had them all this time.

The counter creaks under his grip, and his breath comes fast. All these years of living with the consequences of not being able to do things right, not for anyone or with anyone, and it's like being checked into the boards to have such tangible proof of being wrong, of having done something right enough to have been so wanted and wanted for a long time.

Sasha is sitting on the bed when he emerges, but he gets up and pulls him into a rough hug. "Zhenya, should come eat breakfast, feed Pasha." He kisses Zhenya, one on each cheek and then one in his lips. "Come help make Sid happy. Help _me_ make Sid happy."

It's hard to make himself go downstairs, to face the reality of being so wrong about everything and the fear of having everything to fuck up, but Zhenya is trying hard to be smarter, and Sasha is smart enough to be right next to him.


End file.
